It’s very contradicting…  I’ve been complaining for years that my life is so unstable and so insecure. But I’ve became so used to it that the only stability for me right now is the instability.

feeling so so empty

i hate you for knowing me so well even after so many years

and for that i'll love you and never leave you for the many years to come =) 

xoxo

does love mean risking the chance of getting bruised all over again,
or would it be wiser to just escape and run into denial.

i can't go on picking the latter,
but i'm scared as hell of the former.

i'm getting tired of running back and forth
soon enough i'll just have no place to run to.

it's just easier running away. 

but at the end of the day,
the pain still stays

after all that has happened tonight,
i swear i'm never ever gonna fall in love again

cuz i've seen enough of what love can do to people, 
and what people can do to love.

it hurts just being a bystander
it hurts just knowing how much others are hurting

it's funny how someone can break your heart and you still love them with all the little p.i.e.c.e.s

it's sad when people you know become people you knew

when you can walk right past someone like they were never a big part of your life 

how you used to be able to talk for hours and how now, you can barely even look at them 

it's sad how times can change

  i found a new lover, online 

he's my third, or maybe the fourth... fifth? oh - i don't remember. i'm just sure he wouldn't be my last.

i've these lovers because i can get away with it. standing at a corner, in a silent admiration.

i've these lovers because their words, their beautiful beautiful words! such a haunting and elaborate beauty, that leaves me breathlessly gasping, yearning for more. they make me believe again - of love, of truth, of beauty.

but most of all, i've these lovers because they'll never hurt me.

 we were in thailand, and we were friends again



but it was only a dream

dream dream dreams

i should be concentrating on my psych readings now... test in about 12 hours~ but i simply can't concentrate. i'm so gonna flunk. just hope my research paper can help me pass. all i wanna do now is PASS! mm... i never did check my grade for the first test i took. but according to someone who did check for me, i failed.

i have been thinking a lot

especially about what to do after graduation... i'm pulled in two different directions

i've sucha strong passion for the SERVICE INDUSTRY.
it really pissed me off when i heard restaurants in singapore were starting to charge for water. omg.. a restaurant should always, always start with a glass of water, it's like a welcome to say they care about their customers and that they are ready to serve me food. a customer should never have to ask for water either. that's the service i want, and that's the service i would give. if i didn't get into UT, i would either have gone for SIA's interviews over and over again till they let me fly with them, or i would have studied tourism & hospitality. i still want to get into the field of service industry. but... i don't know where this would lead me. sometimes, passion isn't everything. i can't be a "high-class waitress" for my entire life.

then there's my love/hate relationship with PSYCHOLOGY.
we're always attracted to things that are fatal~ a moth to a flame. i've cried countless times, and whined over and over again about my psych courses in the last four years. 10 or 15 years from now, i really do want to have my own private clinic and practice in counselling psychology. but i just don't know if i'll be sane enough to go through with it. sometimes, passion isn't everything. i can't keep aiming for something that is taking a toll on my life.

stumble upon someone else's blog that got me thinking

"you don't even care"

"you just hate me don't you?" 

*theres always a lot of "you don't" in words that females use.. but deep inside we know what's true and what's not*

sometimes girls just say all those shyt, so that we can be proven wrong

when we can feel you don't care anymore, we wouldn't even be able to say those words to you.

i'm just a girl after all

"why don't you just delete me off msn since you already blocked me?"

i luvvv and trust this biaaatcchh so much that i let her change

THIS

to

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the camera shy hairstylist behind me* haha

 
the crazyyy amount of hair!!!

xoxo

*snip snip* cut cut~
if only emotions and feelings can be deposed of that easily
 i would stick a pair of scissors right through my heart 









ignorance is sometimes truly a bliss*

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為什麼每當眼淚開始慢慢地停流

總是會突然發現一些不想知道的事情，來刺激我

老天爺.........你饒了我吧，可以嗎?

我不想再哭了。

got that off www.postsecret.com
but i must say i can relate to it

i've a psych test on thursday, and the material is 80% about philiosophy
which i hate, and not understand at all

i feel so dumb for not understanding half of what i read
im so scared of failing it
i cant fail, i can't.

the bigger picture~ i'm graduating in less than 6 months
and i dont even know what i wanna do
or where i wanna work

sometimes i wonder if it was better not having a choice back in HS
being forced to travel with the family
attending three different HS
in three different cities

i'm turning 22 in a matter of weeks,
and i don't even know what i wanna do, where i wanna be

4 years of college,
and i seem to be back at freshman year
except this time, im actually scared of what the future holds

i feel like a misfit
i dont belong in a country which i lived for four years
it's an insult when its of best intentions: "you speak really good english"

i dont exactly feel like im part of my home country anymore either
im just a tourist, an outsider - so fair, so blur
confusing jurong with changi

i dunno what to do
i think college has killed me

I wonder at how many of us, feeling unsafe and unprotected, either end up running far away from everything we know and love, or staying and simply going mad. 
- Mootoo (97)

i had the most fun-filled weekend =) 


FRIDAY
i was supposed to meet up with ricky at 4pm, but i got held up for an hour 
by the time i had the chance to call him back, i got 24 missed calls from him
he was yelling a string of vulgarities at me in between my sorries T_T

when i actually saw him, he said he thought i either got into a car accident or slipped and fell on snow 
aww. 

we shopped on queen west, and got triple five soul coats and jackets! heehee 
got a wonderful dinner treat from him at k-town 











SATURDAY 
went to the states for thanksgiving shopping. 
partly to celebrate joni's birthday too~ hee
got my dose of A&F and hollister 
definately a crazy experience















SUNDAY 
hotpot at ricky's house 
we were too busy eating to take photos

MONDAY 
hotpot at ricky's house again
 

random GUCCI photos~ heee

he loves hollister too 








goodnight!

love takes courage.

at a crossroad,

standing still,

waiting & wishing,

if only you knew.

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this heavy weight upon my chest is suffocating

this gnawing fierceness is so ever consuming

oh, numbness, please come back -

to break this constant spiral downfall.

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URGH

n-e-waise.

english midterm in less than 48 hours

feeling kinda depressed going through my notes

"ambivalence, the past, and of failed communication"

those lines have been on repeat mode in my hours of studying

sigh

i wonder how's it like being one of Fitzgerald's characters...
it must be pretty damn painful.

[

mood

|

contemplative

]

i guess sometimes it's better to be friends than to be lovers

there's a certain attractiveness in the mystery of not knowing for sure 

there's a strength of a sustained hope 

but still, deep inside, i guess it's human nature to want more.

[

mood

|

depressed

]

只是一天没聯繫... 心就酸酸的
喜歡一個人為什麼這麼痛苦?

[

mood

|

cold

]

as the weather gets colder by the day 
im needing you here with me more
this is too painful.